My love and best wishes to this amazing, strong woman.
About 10 weeks ago I got the most wondrous surprise. I found out I was pregnant. I was going to announce it this Monday as we’d hit 13 weeks, but instead I will be at home in the most exquisite pain I can possibly fathom. Yesterday I found out that my little boy, was lost to me.
When my obstetrician told Scotty and I his words seemed foreign somehow. I’d only just seen my baby the week before on the ultra sound, kicking and waving. I’d heard his heart beat and began to imagine what type of person he’d become. What colour hair he’d have, I wondered if he’d be serious like his Dad or ridiculous like his Mother, or perhaps a little bit of both.
But now, all I have is that one grainy black and white image, and the rest I will have to imagine.
I’m not sure I’m built to withstand this kind of heart break, I’m not sure any Mother is.
We named him Ray, it was Scotty’s suggestion.
Since we lost him, Scott has been an enormous source of comfort and strength, putting aside his own grief to keep me afloat, I’m so lucky to have him.
Honestly I’m right on the edge of every emotion I possess, I’ve experienced loss before but somehow this feels more personal and acute. I still look pregnant, but have no baby, it seems particularly cruel this part.
I see pregnant women and can’t help but feel envious and angry, that was supposed to be me. My tummy was supposed to be swelling and then in November we were supposed to have a son.
That’s not to be now.
A lot of you know exactly what I’m going through, this kind of loss isn’t uncommon and yet it feels entirely unique to me. I think you all heroic for continuing on, I’ve been in the same pair of pyjamas since yesterday, crying a seemingly endless supply of tears and can’t imagine ever leaving my bedroom again.
So I’m going to take some time off the radio, off performing, off social media, off life. Not for too long, but I need some time.
I know you’ll all understand.
I was worried about the impact me being away from my radio show for a few weeks would have, we’re only new and have so much to do, but I’d be useless on air. The truth is I don’t feel very funny or entertaining at the moment, I feel like screaming and smashing things with a baseball bat Beyonce Lemonade style.
I do want to thank my work and my team for being so understanding. Radio is a huge beast and having your new breakfast host, in the biggest market in the country, step away for a time, is a nightmare for everyone. They haven’t made me feel anything but supported.
What’s happened with Ray feels big and raw and something I need to honour and be in the middle of. I’m not going to avoid it or lock it away and power on as if nothing has happened, which I’m prone to doing. I have to get this right so that I can somehow feel whole again, or a version of that. I know that this will forever change me in small and big ways.
To the Mothers who have gone through this kind of loss and found a way out of it, I’m in awe of you, I need to know how you got through it because I need to see some light under the door soon.
To our little Ray, you were already so loved by your Mum and Dad and your big sisters. Such an unexpected and welcome surprise for us, I wish we had more time with you, I truly do.